Tuesday, October 6, 2009


That was then:

I'm angry that I've wasted so much of my life consumed by this shit. I'm angry that everytime I lost fat, I found it again. I'm angry by all the lies I believed over the years. I'm angry that I didn't know better. I'm angry that my life hasn't been easy. I'm angry that I am not perfect. I'm angry that this is fucking hard. I'm angry that I became addicted to smoking at 12 years old. I'm angry that smoking is deemed "bad" for you. I'm angry that I no longer smoke to calm me. I'm angry that I don't want to smoke again. I'm angry that my husband absolutely despises smoking. I'm angry that I have to work fucking hard at everything I do in life. I'm angry that I feel sorry for myself. I'm angry that it seems so much easier for others. I'm angry that I don't just eat what I feel like and then forget about it. I'm angry that I have some dumb c*nt living inside my head. I'm angry that I use that word when I'm angry. I'm angry that my guts gurgles and I don't know the fuck why. I'm angry that I get fucking angry. I'm angry that I care so much. I'm angry that "fuck it" is not an option for me. I'm angry that this is fucking scary. I'm angry that my body doesn't speak english so I can understand it. I'm angry that I'm impatient. I'm angry that I'm not living in the moment right now.

This is now:

Woo hoo!! Yeah!! Alright!! Now you're talkin'!! As you can see I needed to let off some steam this morning. Today was training with Liz. I was running early and in the car on the drive over decided deadlifting would help me do just that. No set reps, just wanted to see what I could lift.

60 kgs, 80 kgs, 90 kgs, 100 kgs, 110 kgs, 115 kgs, 120 kgs, 125 kgs

Can't even remember what I did. Was just happy that I got 125 kgs off the ground. Liz turned up ready to train then so stopped there. We had another smasher session together.

I wonder why the fuck I worry so much sometimes. My life is fucking fabulous and I am having some very very happy times. There have been so many positives coming my way. I'm trying so hard which is why it is so painful sometimes. Maybe I'll stop trying and just go with the flow and let everything take care of itself. On that note I'm off to the library to chill and read for the arvo.