I've been working soooooooo hard on all of THIS that I've turned it into another competition. A competition of "When?". When am I gonna get the body I dream of? I've been putting up with what I have, a bit like surviving the hunger and exhaustion of a diet, in order to reach the end (standing on stage). But I can't do it anymore and no longer want to. The past weekend has been just as exhausting mentally and I realised that just recently I haven't been stopping to smell the beautiful scent emitted from the roses again. I've succumbed to the focus of getting what I want and no-one or nothing will stop me. It's obvious to me now that I still haven't found the acceptance and love of my body as it is in it's current state. I need to let go, give up the fight. I have no doubt whatsoever that this is not my natural weight. My body is not naturally designed to carry this much body fat. But concentrating and planning on it will only block it and while I'm watching it seems it'll never arrive. I will still hope and believe and dream and pray as this is the formula for all of life but I need to move on, again, for I am so much more than my body alone. With persistence, even the snail made it onto the Ark. My body the snail, my heart and soul the Ark.
There's been a whirlwind of uncomfortable feelings and thoughts that I don't like but someone beautiful told me a couple of days ago that "It's ok to be sad sometimes. That we often chase an elusive state of deep happiness all the time. We're not designed to be happy all the time and being sad sometimes creates important reflection time. We just need to learn how to use those times and how to manage our minds and bodies to keep a balance overall." To this beautiful soul - thank you! But you know the strange thing here? I now know all of this "stuff". I know they are just feelings. I know I don't have to fight them. I know to just accept them. I know it's ok to feel scared and uncertain. And I know that it's ok if I want to eat to numb the pain. But what do you do when you can't even fucking binge anymore? Imagine that, a binge being impossible. Unbelievable yet true. I just can't do it just as I can't smoke or drink to get drunk on purpose anymore. So, instead I just have a really really good cry.
Wasted energy again. I could have used this energy in a more productive way - like shagging all weekend - oh hang on I did that, well maybe shagging some more, or playing with my kids in the park, or clothes shopping, or going to the movies, anything other than wasting another precious second consumed by shit. So, once again I'll take my reeeeeally shiny and pretty bravery medal (thanks Kek) and say "fuck it".