I have been pretty much on or off a diet for the past 15 years. My story actually starts a long long time before this with physical and mental abuse and things no child should ever have to witness which have most probably contributed to how I think and feel today.
I don’t want to be dieting any more. My body, not to mention my mind, has been through enough. I have abused my body for far too long and it’s about time I start taking good care of it and be thankful for the things it allows me to do. I am finally choosing to be well. And I thought I had finally accepted my body for how it looks and feels in this moment.
I have been working really really hard on changing my thoughts and beliefs and perspective on life. I have a beautiful family and friends to enjoy life with yet for at least the past 2 years I have declined social occasions leaving my husband to go alone, letting him do most of the looking after of our children when he wasn’t working because I was too tired, having my children miss out on things because of me, or simply just not being involved in very much of what they did.
I have been working extra hard on my relationship with food. And I really do eat very healthy, mostly natural, unprocessed food. And walking away from the control and security that calorie king gave me was and still is very scary. I became obsessed and have lived and ate by it for the past couple of years not eating this or that because it wasn’t in my plan or because of calorie value or macro grams. I was restricted in choice and deprived of variety. And when I wasn’t eating by this I felt I was out of my comfort zone and lost control.
I don’t want to look back on a life filled with regret. I don’t want my children to grow up watching me struggle and unhappy. This is not an example of a life I wish to set for them. I don’t want my soul mate to live alone. I just want to be happy and love life.
When I seen those numbers today I felt like a failure and questioned everything I have been working to achieve and those of my feelings of making progress. That all my hard work had been a waste of time. That I’d have to forever be on a diet to have a lean body. That I’m hopeless. That even though it’s healthy food, I eat too much and I’ll have to go back to weighing every single gram of everything and logging and dieting and restricting and depriving and hungry.
I cannot control what you think of me but I do actually care because I really do like and respect you. I feel like such a sook for getting emotional in front of you when you really have no idea what I’m thinking and feeling and probably feel helpless even though you want to help. Even though they’ve only just started working again I am a hormonal female after all (lol). At least I still have a sense of humour writing this through all my tears.
Don’t know why I’m sending you this – apology (again) and explanation I guess and looking for understanding.
