THERE'S ALWAYS ONE GOOD THING!!

In our family we have a ritual that at the dinner table we all take turns in telling "our good thing" for the day. It's a way to make time together and talk about what's going on in our lives. It encourages conversation by the children with which we get them to elaborate on their good thing by explaining why it was good. It slows down our eating time and lets us be together as a family for probably the first time of the day. Two nights ago during stormy weather on my behalf when it was little boy's turn he quietly shrunk in his chair and said "I don't have a good thing, I had a bad day". Without hesitation I spoke up and told him "no matter how bad your day has been there's always one good thing about it". I stopped and thought about my own day and through all the tears and turmoil I still had something good happen. There had been talk of me competing at a powerlifting meet coming up (dieting not required). I would enter the RAW division meaning no assistance by lifting equipment. Am I excited? Yes. Am I scared? Shitless. Will work out the details and confirm if I shall do it. Reckon I should give it a crack?

DANCING IN THE RAIN!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X89rZkKBnPU

THE EMAIL I NEVER SENT

I have been pretty much on or off a diet for the past 15 years. My story actually starts a long long time before this with physical and mental abuse and things no child should ever have to witness which have most probably contributed to how I think and feel today.

I don’t want to be dieting any more. My body, not to mention my mind, has been through enough. I have abused my body for far too long and it’s about time I start taking good care of it and be thankful for the things it allows me to do. I am finally choosing to be well. And I thought I had finally accepted my body for how it looks and feels in this moment.

I have been working really really hard on changing my thoughts and beliefs and perspective on life. I have a beautiful family and friends to enjoy life with yet for at least the past 2 years I have declined social occasions leaving my husband to go alone, letting him do most of the looking after of our children when he wasn’t working because I was too tired, having my children miss out on things because of me, or simply just not being involved in very much of what they did.

I have been working extra hard on my relationship with food. And I really do eat very healthy, mostly natural, unprocessed food. And walking away from the control and security that calorie king gave me was and still is very scary. I became obsessed and have lived and ate by it for the past couple of years not eating this or that because it wasn’t in my plan or because of calorie value or macro grams. I was restricted in choice and deprived of variety. And when I wasn’t eating by this I felt I was out of my comfort zone and lost control.

I don’t want to look back on a life filled with regret. I don’t want my children to grow up watching me struggle and unhappy. This is not an example of a life I wish to set for them. I don’t want my soul mate to live alone. I just want to be happy and love life.

When I seen those numbers today I felt like a failure and questioned everything I have been working to achieve and those of my feelings of making progress. That all my hard work had been a waste of time. That I’d have to forever be on a diet to have a lean body. That I’m hopeless. That even though it’s healthy food, I eat too much and I’ll have to go back to weighing every single gram of everything and logging and dieting and restricting and depriving and hungry.

I cannot control what you think of me but I do actually care because I really do like and respect you. I feel like such a sook for getting emotional in front of you when you really have no idea what I’m thinking and feeling and probably feel helpless even though you want to help. Even though they’ve only just started working again I am a hormonal female after all (lol). At least I still have a sense of humour writing this through all my tears.

Don’t know why I’m sending you this – apology (again) and explanation I guess and looking for understanding.

VICIOUS CIRCLE OF HABITS!!

Acceptance is essential to change, because without it I am stuck mentally in denying, excusing, and blaming. On the emotional level, if I do not accept what is, I am caught in a vicious circle of habits -hurt, guilt, and anger. I continue wanting to do things I have always done using the template for how I continually faced challenges. Just when I think I have spiralled upwards from observing to accepting I am brought crashing down and continue waging the battle within with the numbers confirming negative Nelly telling me "I'm fucked, I'll never get it, it's hopeless, it's not working, etc, etc".

Sorry, not good today. Upset and fucking ANGRY!!

Monday's Lift Heavy Shit Training

DB Bench Press
- 25 kgs x 3 reps + 1 partial
- 27.5 kgs x got in hands

Floor DB Press
- 15 kgs x 8 reps
- 12.5 kgs x 19 reps

Overhead Rope Extension
- 20 pds x 20 reps

Floor Skullcrushers
- 17 kgs x 15 reps, fail 16
- 17 kgs x 12 reps

Overhead Rope Extension again
- 20 pds x 20 reps

Push-Press
- 30 kgs x 10 reps
- 30 kgs x 11 reps, fail 12

Lying Bicep Cable Curl
- 18 kgs x 18 reps
- 18 kgs x 16 reps

MADE WITH LOVE AND CARE!!

My gorgeous girl, Sofie, cooked dinner and dessert for the family last night. Lamb Roast with Special Rogan Josh Gravy, baked pumpkin and eggplant and a Baked Cheesecake with Caramel Sauce. Isn't she clever! I did, however, have to pass on eating mine last night and now having tonight as I had the runs over the weekend and the poor botty is sore.

ALL YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE!!

For the past week I've had in my head and been walking around singing "You Are So Beautiful" and this morning after reading Magda's comments left I realised that I have not only been singing it to myself but also to all of you. Beautiful people help others. They feel others pain as well as happiness. They offer friendship, support and guidance. They share the ups and the downs. They laugh and cry with you. Eat pizza, burgers and chips with you. Drink tea with you. Get pissed with you. Walk with you. They are a part of you. To all you beautiful people "YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL TO ME". I'm moving on to "What a wonderful world" now.

BREAKING THE RULES!

I've always had all these rules about what you're supposed to do and what you're not supposed to do. When to eat this and when to eat that. Always eating regularly throughout the day. Don't do this at that time. To get that you should do this. Slowly, I'm breaking a lot of those rules and taking some risks. Yes, it's very scary but at the same time exhilarating and freeing. It's not always going to work out, but at least I'm being true to the person I'm taking great care of - myself.

And anyway, rules are meant to be broken! There's always been a rebellious side to me and somehow I'd like to keep her.

I'M GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK!!

Ahhhhhhhhhh - my mojo's back, my libido's back, my zest for life is back. I just love it and so does my gorgeous husband who cooked the most amazing green curry last night for dinner, since he was home after breaking his little toe by accidently kicking a chair whilst walking by. During the afternoon he asked me "will you go with me?" and he's planned a "date" for Saturday week where he's planned cooking me a 3 course dinner complete with a bottle (or 3) of my favourite wine - verdehlo. Little boy is away on holidays so just have to flick daughter off for a sleepover, for some Austin action to take place.

My god, Shelley's got a fabulous body... I bet she shags like a minx. --Austin Powers

THERE COMES A TIME!!

Sometimes you forget that progression will stagnate and stall. You forget just how much you've improved over the past weeks. You forget that little niggles will prevent an action. That you are only as strong as your weakest link. Until it is put into perspective once again you are frustrated, call it a "fucker", and cry (just a little). You know you can do it and you will do it - just not today. The reality is that an increase in 10 kg's week after week would mean I would hold the world record and be stronger than a man (actually I am already). I remember when my back said "fuck off" a few weeks ago trying to lift 105 kgs after just 3 at 100 kgs. We moved to rack deady's for 3 weeks where I pulled 140. Back to the floor and I've flogged the past 3 weeks. So, it's time to walk away again from the floor for a bit, and bend over baby with stiff legs.

Full Deadlifts
- 120 kgs x 3 missed attempts

Stiff Leg Deadlifts
- 60 kgs x 10 reps
- 70 kgs x 10 reps
- 80 kgs x 10 reps
- 90 kgs x 5 reps, drop 6

Wide Placement Heels In Incline Leg Press
- 160 kgs x 25 reps
- 160 kgs x 25 reps

GOING WITH THE FLOW!!

In the early hours of last Sunday morning I googled "why calories don't count" and was led to this blog.

I read and read and read every single blog post and found myself nodding yes, yes, yes. I knew that it was meant to be and I simply had to go and see this lady.

I've been doing fantastically well on my own, not weighing, measuring or pinching myself, not weighing my food at all other than for a recipe for consistency purposes (eg pancakes), asking myself what it is that I actually feel like eating, I have no idea of percentages of proteins, fats and carbs, not logging my food and as you've no doubt noticed been working every single day with my mind by practising, reading, writing, talking and feeling. And best of all living a wonderful life. And strangely enough my body is getting leaner each day without trying.

I had an appointment at Life After Diets yesterday afternoon. What struck me most about Karla is that she was REAL!! She was lean AND muscular. Not some skinny chick with no tone about her body. She told me parts of her story, I told her parts of mine - where I've been, what I've done, what I'm now doing. I'm definately on the right track but still have a few thoughts that I'd like to break through. I still find myself occasionally guessing and adding up calories in my head, and although fat loss is not my focus I still wish it to happen therefore worried about eating too much. I'm confident that with Karla's help I will overcome these mind fucks. She was proof, right before my very eyes, that what I'm aiming for is more than possible, it's my reality. I'm going to do the 5 stage program starting next Wednesday.

In the meantime I'll continue doing what I'm doing, living and loving life with my husband, children and friends. And not forgetting lifting my heavy shit which I absolutely love. Training wise I do only what I want to do. Eating wise I eat only what I want to eat. And feeling only what I want to feel - FUCKING AWESOME!!

FANCY A CUP OF TEA LOVE?

One day Mum was out and Dad was in charge of their 3 year old girl, Tiffani. Mum and Dad had given Tiffani a little "tea set" for her birthday and it was one of her favourite toys. Dad was in the living room, engrossed in the evening news, when Tiffani brought Daddy a little cup of "tea", which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mum came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch Tiffani bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!" Mum waited and sure enough, Tiffani came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.

Mum said (as only a mother would know.....), "did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Laughter Really is Awesome Medicine!!

MOUTH HUNGER!!

Definition: Mouth Hunger is when a food sounds good and you really want to TASTE it.

However, I'm adding onto this:

When your mouth fills with saliva just thinking about how juicy, crunchy, chewy, moist it's going to feel. Your nostrils expand as you smell the aromas floating in the air. Your eyes sparkle with excitement as you see what it is your creating.

Lunch today - Total SATISFACTION achieved!!

LET'S GET SOME PERSPECTIVE ON IT!!

• I'm 37 years old, I have given birth to three beautiful children, I look fucking great, but most importantly I FEEL fucking fantastic!!


• 110 kg deadlift is not going to be excellent form at this moment. I pick up 80 kgs with excellent form whilst still talking. When I can deadlift 140 kgs then 110 kgs will be excellent form. (no perfect word here!)

ENTER THE SUNSHINE OF LIFE!!

My quest for wholeness is a search for health and happiness through an aligned body, mind and spirit. When all aspects are working together it is far easier for me to choose to live a happier, healthier and more rewarding life. But what if one aspect is out of alignment momentarily? I have to have a plan to travel the spiraling path where I come around again to the moment of choosing. Health and happiness are choices. I ask myself "So, are you going to choose life or choose unhappiness?" Life wins every single time. I'm doing and living it my way. I'm watching my language. There are no shoulds, coulds, dos, don'ts or have tos. Every single day I work at it by practising, reading, talking, feeling and listening. It is just one of my wants and desires through which all else flows. It is this decision that affects how I treat myself, how I relate to others, and how I spend my time alone. Every morning I remember that "Each day is a new opportunity".

WHAT TO SAY TODAY?

I've got a million and one thoughts about blog posts in my head that I'm just going to dump them right here, right now.

1 I've discovered I love libraries, book stores and reading. I'm currently reading 3 books: Choosing to be Well, The Psychology of Success, and There are only two times in life - NOW and TOO LATE!

2 Choosing to be Well is based on a four step approach - Cooperating, Observing, Accepting & Choosing.

3 The Psychology of Success. "It is challenge that helps us grow and develop".

4 There are only two times in life - Now and Too Late! Life is full of learning experiences. It is packed with situations that give us wisdom and understanding.

5 Don't let some fat fucking bald man eating pizza influence/change/downgrade how beautiful you are. This one got me really angry and I realised I had not let go of my own experience from May.

6 I have been visited by fairies and had magic dust sprinkled on me. The Universe has sent someone special into my life. It occurred by chance when I was awoken by hubby ralphing after drowning his sorrows when the Dragons lost.

7 I love my husband soooooo much. He has a different outlook on things which helps bring things into perspective. He grounds me when I ask him to.

8 I had forgotten that spending time doing small things like baking and playing in the park with my children was not only important but also very enjoyable and satisfying.

Monday's Lift Heavy Shit Training

Fixed Rep Barbell Squats (20 reps in least amount of sets)

- 65 kgs x 8 then 7 then 5 reps

- I asked to have a crack at 70kgs - 1 very tough rep

DB Bench Press

- 25 kgs x 3 reps

- 25 kgs x 3 reps

Military Barbell Shoulder Press

- 55 kgs x 7 partial reps

- 55 kgs x 2 deeper + 2 partial reps

Lying Bicep Cable Curl

- 20 kgs x 4 reps + 2

- 18 kgs x 10 reps

- 18 kgs x 12 reps + 1

YOU'RE NUMBER ONE!!

You, you got what I need. Oh baby yes please. Everything you do cause it drives me wild. Yeah love your style. Now, get back on the floor. I wanna see more of the way you spin your little dress around. Yeah baby this is your town. Come a little closer when I'm on the mic. Come a little closer when I need you in site. Shake it up baby like you own the club. Shake it up baby like you need the love. Now, you got the rhythm down. I pass you the crown. You put it on cause you're number 1.

We create happiness for ourselves. It can't be found or given. Happiness comes from a conscious choice to live life joyfully not from material things such as money or possessions once our minimum requirements are met with food on the table and a roof over our heads. Get over regrets and resentment. Forgive yourself and others. Count your blessings. Be thankful. Move your body. Walk, run, dance, lift, stretch - whatever floats your boat. Breathe, meditate, smile. Go with the flow. Stop the fight. Don't be so serious. Have fun and enjoy.

JUST WANT TO SAY

Congratulations and Good Luck to all the girls who are competing this weekend but especially to my client Tracy Brignolo who looks absolutely gorgeous and is going to stand tall and proud and radiate beauty on stage and always, knowing what a bloody fantastic effort she has put in. Well done Tracy. I'm really proud of you.

Today, the sun is shining very brightly in Brisbane yet the sun hasn't even risen yet. The birds are chirping. It's a happy, happy day. Why? Because I want it be!! Amazing miracles are happening all around me. I'm celebrating life, love and laughter and off to lift, push, pull some heavy iron with another "Strongwoman" later this morning. Right now, a leisurely walk with the silence of myself.

HAVE I MENTIONED I LOVE THURSDAY'S??

Thursday's - DEADLIFT Day - Woo Hoo!!! The only morning I don't get up and do any form of exercise, not even a walk. I don't want to use even a tiny weeny bit of energy because I know come 9.30 am I'm gonna be bustin' my guts to pick that heavy fucking bar with weights on each end up from the floor to the top and back again a number of times. If I could deadlift every single day I would. It's my favourite exercise of all time. Every week I'm nervous, yet excited and pray for a number two before I leave the house (sorry - TMI but true). I pee a hundred times too. Each week I want to lift more. As my mind gets stronger so does my body. Another PB today. And I got video'd doing it. Just gotta get it downloaded. Watching it back is great to see - nice looking shoulders, rounded back, ugly faces, dragging bar. There's lots I can improve on although when I'm lifting there ain't much thinking going on. My poor 'ol thighs copped a caning today from dragging the bar up them and already the bruises are out so tomorrow will surely be a site to see. Last last few reps were a struggle but I wasn't giving in and got my number.

Thursday's Lift Heavy Shit Session

Fixed Rep Deadlifts (30 reps in least amount of sets)
- 110 kgs x 11 then 8 then 6 then 5 reps

Wide Placement Heels In Incline Leg Press
- 140 kgs x 30 reps
- 140 kgs x 30 reps (I think I tell you every week I hate these don't I?)
- 140 kgs x 30 reps

Incline DB Bicep Curls
- 10 kgs x 12 reps (whinge, whinge, whinge)
- 10 kgs x 15 reps (wrists wrapped)
- 10 kgs x 12 reps (legs in the air doesn't help - that's not what Dave says!)

HEY

Just wanted to say "thanks" to everyone for your comments and suggestions re the smelly bum situation. Heeeaappppssss better today. Tracked my fibre intake and cut it off at 30 grams, ditched the wheat bran, kelp noodles and sticking with four basic veges for now. And got back on the digestive enzymes, hydrochloric acid and LBS support and added some charcoal tabs to the mix too for good measure. You think you're doing such a great job eating so healthy and so many and wide a variety of veges only for it to come back and bite you in the arse - literally! (lol).

CALM, COMPETENT AND IN CONTROL!!

Change is inevitable. Change always happens and important things that are quite unexpected can change my life for the better.

I'm discovering that I have a loving and maturing personality who's capable of giving and receiving. The more I love myself, the more others love me. The more I love myself, the more I am able to love others. I'm beginning to accept and believe in myself just the way I am for I am a unique and special person. People love and accept me just the way I am and I accept myself and my unique and special qualities for I love and approve of myself. I am a valuable and important person. I have many unique talents to offer the world. I rejoice in my ability to express myself in a practical way.

I'm beginning to attract friends and positive relationships into my life because I'm worthy of the respect and support and care that others offer me. I'm a very likeable person. I feel good about the world around me.

I trust myself and trust my body because my body knows just what foods it needs in order to remain healthy.

I'm beginning to view problems as challenges to be overcome one step at a time so my positive approach helps me to deal with each challenge in a more positive way. My mind encourages me with positive thoughts such as "I can do it", "I have abundant energy", "I'm just right for the job", "I can take charge", "I can change this", "I am strong", "I am confident, capable, talented, self-assured, valuable, important, skilled and successful". My self-esteem, self-confidence, self-acceptance, self-reliance grows stronger and more powerful as I endure the successful challenges in my life.

My focus of attention is broadening to include all those things that I enjoy about life and I'm allowing myself many good and special things for myself and I'm becoming free for I now understand that life and growth is a challenge to be overcome and part of life's process. My confidence in myself and in my abilities grows every day in every way. Every day I'm more relaxed, confident, both mentally and physically. More comfortable within myself. I appreciate myself as I'm doing many good and special things for myself. I know what to do and how to do it. I have a growing feeling of self-control, self-respect, self-love. I am free now and there are no limitations. I am free to enjoy the process of learning to live freely. I can grow positively in any direction because my desires to improve are limitless. I am moving forward one step at a time. I feel a wholesomeness about myself and of my life and each step is a step forward towards the realisation of my worthwhile life direction. I feel a deeper sense of security.

I'm open, honest and caring. I recognise my own creativity, my talents and abilities. My scars from the past are healing. I'm enjoying the changes that are happening within me and to me. I feel a growing fulfillment within myself, developing a deeper understanding of myself and I choose to use this knowledge to accentuate my life with more enjoyment. My life is now full of excitement and power, as well as peace and inner strength. I approve of myself more as each day passes. I respect the depth of my inner beauty. I love myself far more deeply and completely than ever before.

CAN ANYONE HELP? - PLEASE!

My guts is gurgling really really badly. Everything inside feels spasmotic. And I'm about to make the whole family, including myself, wear face masks to protect us from breathing in toxic fumes if you know what I mean. I've had a colonic this afternoon but it's no better. It's gotta be something I'm eating. Anyone know anything about carbohydrate malabsorption, ibs, wheat/gluten or other intolerance? Here's what I've eaten today:

Egg whites, kelp noodles, wild rice, carrots, zuchinni, broccoli, cauliflower, beans, kale, swiss chard, tomato, red capsicum, mushrooms, baby spinach

Surge

Oats, wheat bran, natural whey powder, banana, goji berries, organic cranberries, Jalna natural yoghurt, cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger

Barramundi, kelp noodles, pumpkin, onion, all veges as above, natural chicken stock

Corned silverside, kelp noodles, basmati rice, pumpkin, onion, all veges as above, natural chicken stock

Lindt dark chocolate (not negotiable!)

Perhaps digestive enzymes, ibs support, charcoal tablets might help???

CREATE NOT ELIMINATE!!

Generally, when one wants to lose weight/body fat we focus on the thing that we don't want ie fat. Focussing on what we don't want usually ends up in frustration and another unsuccessful attempt. When we want to get rid of something (eliminate) we give power to that something. By turning it around into something that we do want to create or achieve ie a fit, healthy body we can start to notice the good things that we are achieving in order to get what we want.

For me, I'm consistently achieving more weight and/or reps in my strength training thereby increasing my lean mass, I'm running stronger and faster than ever (thanks to clear lungs), I'm making food choices based on this, and the list goes on. It's a mental shift I've made to take the impatience effect off my mind which only ends in feelings of frustration and self doubt because the reality is it will take persistent effort. What I've reminded myself of is that my primary goal or objective is to live a happy, fulfilled life full of abundant energy, self-esteem, confidence and that the weight is just a benefit/outcome of achieving what I really want.

I WANT IT ALL AND I WANT IT NOW!!

Part of me so badly wants to go back to logging and maybe getting Matt to do scale weight and body fat readings (since I don't have scales) so that I have a timeframe, a measurable goal, and can get rid of it. But the other part of me wants to keep doing as I have been, on my own, my way. I just need to keep telling myself that as long as I eat healthy, nutritious food to the point of being satisfied, not stuffed then my body will take care of the rest.

I had the best weekend. It was just how I want to live my life.

I don't want to log. I want to persist. But I guess I'm just impatient. I want to be wearing my clothes that don't fit NOW!!

I was pissed off this morning that this shit had entered my thoughts again and vowed to squat some heavy shit to make me happy again and that it did!!

Monday's Lift Heavy Shit Session

Fixed Rep Barbell Squats (30 reps in least amount of sets)
- 60 kgs x 10 then 7 then 8 then 5 reps

DB Bench Press
- 22.5 kgs x 9 reps
- 22.5 kgs x 5 reps, fail 6

Military Barbell Shoulder Press
- 50 kgs x 6 reps (bit short)
- 50 kgs x 3 reps + 3 partials

Lying Bicep Cable Curl
- 15 kgs x 20 reps
- 15 kgs x 20 reps
- 20 kgs x 3 reps (scary hard)

SMILE AND SHINE!!

A smile can say a thousand words without one leaving your mouth. A smile is contagious. A smile can show the years you've travelled in life. A smile can be an act of kindness. Today, I'm smiling and I urge you to do the same. Let's spread happiness, even if you don't feel happy at this very moment. Post of a picture of you smiling. It can be just a head shot, a daggy pic, a silly pic, whatever you want as long as you are smiling. Wouldn't it make you feel great if you can make just one other person smile today. The act of giving. I know how I'll feel.

OOPS A DAISY!!

It's been a while since I turned one on like I did on Friday night. Needless to say I wasn't out of bed till lunchtime yesterday getting some oats in the tummy to try and feel better. I had the bestest night. Great food, magnificent company, way too much grog and I felt NORMAL. Not one single regret. It just reinforced how I want to live my life and have my life.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY STRONGWOMAN!!

Liz is "40" and fucking STRONG!! Hope you have a fabulous birthday and here's to many more smashing workouts together and years of friendship.

Luv Shelley xxxxxxx

PS I scheduled this to post yesterday as I wasn't sure what state I'd be in today (hehehe).

NO, I DON'T TAKE STEROIDS BUT THANKS FOR ASKING!

It's been a while since I took any photos of myself seeing as though I wasn't particulary pleased with my body but this morning I was feeling brave and took the camera along to training with Liz, aka "Strongwoman". Whilst not all the photos are flattering I was particularly pleased with these two that indicate something's been going on underneath the layer of fat which is slowly but surely coming off. I don't recall having triceps like that and where's my skinny chicken arms gone? All that heavy shit lifting is paying off - hooray!!

Off for a nanna nap now, I gotta date with some lovely ladies tonight to celebrate someone special's birthday and then might get down and jiggy with a dancefloor.

TRUTH BE TOLD!!

I got a bit lost and needed time out. Time to sort out my shit that had arisen once again. But I'm back, on the mend, and loving life once more. Oh, and lifting some heavy fucking shit too!!

KILL THE FIRST ONE!!

Fixed Rep Deadlifts (40 reps in least amount of sets)
- 100 kgs x 16 then 11 then 8 reps. I asked to add 10 kgs so 110 kgs x 5 reps

Wide Placement Heels In Incline Leg Press (hell on earth in a leg press)
- 120 kgs x 30 reps
- 120 kgs x 30 reps ("I hate you")
- 120 kgs x 30 reps

Barbell Bent Rows
- still practising

PB deadlift today - My previous best from the floor was 100 kgs x 8 reps - Was it worth it? Hell yeah!! I've got a grin from ear to ear. I am strong, I am invincible, I can do this, I am legend, Hear me roar. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IMPORTANT POINTS TO NOTE AND REMEMBER!!

1. I was asked last night "What's your body fat % now girl?" I replied "don't know, don't care, it's just a number. If I'm happy the number means nothing."


2. Anyone can do the all or nothing approach and most do. I'm stronger for practising moderation and stopping on a daily basis.


3. I've thrown my second and final set of scales in the bin. They were totally deluded anyway.


4. Bodybuilding is a VERY selfish sport. It is not healthy for mind or body.


5. I am on my own journey and no-one elses. I have a wonderful husband, children and friends to think about and I have a life.


6. I am not alone.


7. As hard as it is sometimes carrying extra lard is worth it from a muscle growth and strength perspective. "Doesn't matter - we're fucking strong!"


8. I've come so far and there's nowhere I can't go.

I'M ALIVE!!

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there's no one else above you
Fill my heart with gladness
Take away all my sadness
Ease my troubles thats what you do!

To me and you and you and you. You are all such important people in my life and I'm glad I know you. Exhilaration - "Begin each day thinking, let the ADVENTURE begin!"

THAT'S IT - JUST SQUAT & EAT PROTEIN!!

I was just going back through emails looking for something when I came across an email about getting bogged down with the little rocks instead of focusing on the big rocks - the stuff that really matters. And ended with a summary saying:

"Ever notice how lots of people make great progress doing “stupid” stuff? It’s because they’re doing while you’re not doing. Doing stupid stuff will always beat not doing smart stuff. That’s it - you’re done. Go squat and eat some protein."

Yes, my squats are stupidly ugly at the moment but I'm squatting (doing). Each week my progress is better. My deadlifts are unattractive but when you're lifting fucking heavy shit it ain't gonna be pretty!

Monday's Lift Heavy Shit Session

Fixed Rep Barbell Squat (40 reps in least amount of sets as possible)
- 50 kgs x 17 then 13 then 10 reps

DB Bench Press
- 17.5 kgs x 17 reps
- 17.5 kgs x 19 reps

Seated Military Barbell Press
- 45 kgs x 12 reps
- 45 kgs x 9 reps

Lying Cable Bicep Curls (trying to teach me not to cheat)
- 10 kgs x 25 reps
- 15 kgs x 17 reps

THE WEEK THAT WAS!!

I wanted to recall my week seeing as though I can't remember being this calm and relaxed and feeling so happy and accepting everything about me and actually enjoying the days in a very long time.

Positives
- I weighed myself on Monday morning and then put the scales upstairs and haven't hopped on since.
- I concluded what actually matters in my life.
- I haven't logged any food in calorie king.
- I've eaten what I wanted, when I wanted.
- I've eaten only when hungry except for one "moment". However, this moment was nothing like past efforts. 1 bowl and I stopped (see below).
- I went for healthy burger and chips, ate mindfully, only ate half the burger and left some chips on my plate. I was satisfied and not stuffed.
- Haven't thought about smoking.
- Menstruation returned.
- On two separation occasions I put icecream back in the freezer at the supermarket after walking away with it in my trolley. I reasoned that the kids or myself didn't need it but if I wanted an icecream I'd go to the shop to buy one.
- Stopped myself from eating a protein bar when I realised I was angry and wanted to be "bad".
- Not trying to be perfect anymore.
- Believing I can finally do what it is I'm doing.
- Started the week writing down what and how much I was eating but stopped doing that today as my confidence has increased in knowing what and when to eat.
- Assured myself that if I really want a protein bar or pepsi max or other chemical laden food then I will have it. No food is off limits. I want it to be a conscious choice rather than an emotionally fuelled action.
- Ate lots of beautiful, healthy, nutritious food.
- Drank lots of water and green tea.
- Did some form of exercise every day, even if just a half hour walk.
- As each day passed I became more comfortable with my body and started liking what I saw in the mirror.
- Journalled my thoughts each day.
- Spent more time with Dave and the kids and less time on the computer at nights.

Negatives
- Menstuation returned.
- Ate through boredom last night (bowl of nuts, crunchola, peanut butter, honey, dark chocolate and chocolate protein powder).
- Felt guilty over chucking a sickie from training today after last night and the fact that I've hardly done any cardio this week.
- Didn't get an "O" in before TOM returned and looks like hanging around for the weekend (lol).

20 to 4 - you lose negatives!

FREAKY INTUITION!!

Two nights ago I dreamt my periods returned. I put it down to Champix weird dreams. Yesterday whilst having a colonic I was a bit crampy and said to the therapist could be periods returning but thought perhaps it's just me releasing the crap. Last night after dinner I felt a bit sick and when I went to bed a had tummy spasms. This morning - "I see red, I see red, I see red!" How's that for freaky intuition? I'm soooo happy to have TOM back in my life after a long time apart. This week I'm calm, relaxed and it's all coming together. YAY Me!!

Thursday Lift Heavy Shit Session

Fixed Rep Deadlifts from Floor - 40 reps in least amount of sets
- 90 kgs x 20 reps + 15 reps, I asked to add 10 kgs then 100 kgs x 5 reps

Incline Leg Press
- 200 kgs x 40 reps
- 240 kgs x 21 reps
- 280 kgs x 10 partial reps

Barbell Row
- practice - absolutely stuffed!

I was scared today. Scared of the weight, scared of the reps, scared of pissing my pants with periods (mind you I didn't drink all friggin morning and didn't even have my green tea). I was plugged up, padded up and not a drop left the building so maybe next week I'll get some serious weight on the deadlift bar (lol).

Ciggie update - don't even think about it, don't miss it, wouldn't even know about it, seems such a long time ago. I think I've finally done it! I'm ssssssmmmmmomoooookkkkkkiiiiiiinnnnnn' (hehehe).

FORMER FUCK UPS/FUTURE DREAMS!!

I felt for a fellow blogger this morning when she made an admission. It made me think of how we all have "secrets" and things we are embarrassed/ashamed of and that NO-ONE is perfect and I don't need to be. As long as I make continual progress I am a winner. I wondered if our addictions/behaviours are unknowingly handed down through generations? I have a "belief" that divorce runs in families. I've divorced, my mum and dad divorced, my mum's mum and dad divorced and plenty of people I know who have divorced have similar stories. I worry for my eldest son from my first marriage. I hope he doesn't go through this unpleasant experience. I pray to God Sofie doesn't get caught up in the whirlwind of weight and body issues.

When I think of all my indiscretions I've been a fucked up human being at times. I've been so lucky to have help from professionals, family and friends to help me through and who continue to keep helping and supporting me.

I've detoured back to unknown territory this week doing it by myself, my way - no logging, scales only once weekly. Again I have no idea how many calories or the macros but do know that I am making healthy, nutritious choices and only eating when hungry, not emotional. I'm fueling my body with energy and flooding it with vitamins, minerals and antioxidants. And feeling freaking wonderful for it too. I came to the conclusion that I'm only delaying the inevitable if I don't work through my issues now. It's actually making me a happier, stronger, more confident person too.

Closing off - bring on those heavy shit deadlifts tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!