The Motivation Factor

All I can say about motivation is that it comes from a mindset. You have to make an unrepeatable, final promise to yourself, recognising the responsibility of your commitment and the seriousness of it. Then, with gravity of your determination to make a lifestyle change, carve yourself the resolution to follow through and never give in.

Think of the future. Do you want to stay as you are, and in all likelihood get worse - more unwanted weight, decreased fitness level, poor health - or do you want a ride to fame and fortune with happiness and health following you on your travels throughout this adventure called life?

As with most things, dear Shelley, it's up to you.

Sunday Wisdom

We took the kids today to see the movie "Kung Fu Panda" and I brought away this little piece of wisdom:


Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is a mystery
Today is a gift
That's why it's called the present

Keeping Up with the Jones'

In the interest of everyone blogging about food today and what they are or want to eat I thought I'd just let you know that tonight my darling husband is cooking a red prawn curry with rice vermicelli for dinner and the best part, he's cooking double so we've got tomorrow nights dinner also. What - well we have to use up the whole can of coconut cream don't we. He's just taken the kids for a drive to Scarborough to Morgan's Seafood for buy some fresh green prawns. I'll finish up my computer work, have lunch then head for a snooze I suspect.

Today:

1 hr early morning walk
Breakfast of oats and powder, V8 juice, chai tea
Green tea whilst driving to Liz' Hi-Performance RPM class
RPM - awesome ride by me, awesome first-time-back teach by Liz
Post-workout yoghurt and powder with banana, pepsi max
Lunch bacon, onion, mushies, cabbage - stir-fried
2nd lunch beans, carrots, broccoli topped with cottage cheese and sweet chilli sauce
Arvo tea protein bar and apple, green tea
Snack passionfruit fromage frais
Dinner red prawn curry with rice vermicelli
Dessert chocolate deluxe protein bar, licorice tea

Do Blonde's Have More Fun?

Well, we'll see about that! As from 1 hour ago I'm no longer a blonde (boo hoo). My hair was so trashed from all the bleach that every morning when blow drying there was blonde hair flying around the bathroom so I figured it was time to get some sort of condition back into it and go dark again. This is my usual pattern, dark in winter, blonde in summer. I can't give up all the blonde though so still have a bit around my face to make me feel better. I must say I quite like it. Change is as good as a holiday they say. Oh, hang on, I've just had one (lol)! Off now to finish off my day of pampering. Eyebrow wax and tinting then a 1 hour loooonnnngg massage.

IT'S BEEN A MULTIPLE DAY !!

A lot of talk over the past few days has me hot and sweaty!

Today with my cookies n cream protein powder mxed in with banana flavoured yoghurt poured over a sliced banana. That was my first one for the day!

Secondly, my HUGE plate of potato wedgies topped with cottage cheese and sweet chilli sauce aroused not only my tastebuds.

Then my third for the day; a creamy chocolate coated caramel protein bar - Mmmmm!

So - "Be Orgasmic"

Sex is important, whether it brings us closer in our relationships or just for the sheer pleasure of it. But did you know that sex is good for your health too? A study found that high orgasm frequency is related to decreased risk of heart disease among women due to the hormones released during orgasm. Researchers found that having intimate encounters also means you are less stressed, happier and better rested - all factors that can lower blood pressure and protect against stroke alongside heart disease.

And the even better news is you can still reap most of these benefits without a partner. Masturbation has its own share of advantages, including improved sense of smell, better mood, less colds, and better bladder control. Some studies even suggest that sexual activity at least three times a week may be associated with a reduced risk of cancer. Practiced safely, sex can be an important factor in your physical and emotional health.

OK - gotta run - hubby's home - number 4 coming up - he he he!!

Following On

Following on from Liz' post tonight I have to say that I'm in agreeance. I've come to realise what's the point of eating something that you don't like or enjoy. I have Vital Greens in the cupboard and yes before comp there were times that I had a shake for breakfast made from green tea, vital greens, protein powder & strawberries (a total Precision Nutrition compliant meal) but I did this so that I had more calories to eat during the day when I needed them most. Post comp I tried to do the same thing one day. It didn't satisfy my tummy nor my tastebuds so I ended up eating a second breakfast of oats & powder and then a third of whatever I could get my hands on and the whole day blew out from there so I ask you what is the point?

When I read of figure competitors dieting on chicken and tuna and lettuce I feel pity for them. You may call me lucky to have the metabolism I have but I've worked bloody hard over the past year and a bit to get it to where it is now which means that my pre-comp diet consisted of whatever I wanted (within my calorie range) with no macronutrient eliminations. I ate protein bars and potato wedges and peanut butter and still lost weight consistently when needed.

After my return from Vegas I have my paddle in again to get back to my desired maintenance level and I'm still eating what I feel like AND losing consistently.

Here's what I ate today:

Breaky - oats & protein powder, v8 juice, chai tea, green tea
M/Tea - 3 prawn rice paper rolls (post workout) + pepsi max
Lunch - BBQ prawn Sumo salad+ pepsi max
Snack - ladyfinger banana + slim secrets bar
Snack - apple + cottage cheese, peanut butter, protein powder, green tea
Snack - handful almonds + 1 prawn rice paper roll
Dinner - Omelette with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, onion, beans, carrots, slice cheese
Snack - medium white potato with tomato sauce, licorice tea

And tomorrow:

Breaky - omelette with mushrooms, capsicum, onions, spinach, chai tea
M/Tea - ladyfinger banana, tub yoghurt + protein powder, green tea
Lunch - big bowl potato wedges, cottage cheese, sweet chilli sauce, pepsi max
Snack - apple + chocolate protein bar, green tea
Snack - cottage cheese, peanut butter, protein powder
Dinner - omelette with mushrooms, capsicum, onions, spinach
Snack - medium potato with salsa, licorice tea

I usually don't have omelettes everyday but I've opened a carton of frozen egg whites tonight so I eat them for the following couple of days to use up the carton. And the potato after dinner is the recommendation from the "Potatoes not Prozac" book I've just read in order to raise my serotonin levels and make me feel more confident, competent, creative and optimistic and help me with my sugar sensitivity.

So, to wrap up, if you are one of the unlucky ones eating like a rabbit perhaps you might like to have a chat. If so, email me!

Classic Birthday Cards

From Liz:























And from hubby and kids:

Happy Birthday To Me!

It's official - I'm now on the side closer to 40 than 30. Today I turned 36. So, how does one spend her birthday these days? Getting thrashed at rpm with coach right beside me turning up my dial - that's how! Actually, first up at 5.30 am was weight training (chest/triceps/shoulders) followed by a 20 min run. Then after the morning ritual of kids, school, etc it was off to participate with Liz in rpm and have a catch up. My first venture back into a gym after hiding out at home last week. I was a little apprehensive with the resistance to begin with but with Liz right next to me knew there'd be no bludging today. So, a total of 633 calories and maximum heart rate of 107% later we were hoeing into fruit and a delectable Detour caramel peanut protein bar brought home from the States. Seriously, those things taste like Snickers - yum! It was great to catch up and have a chat and feel good again. We exchanged gifts - Liz had bought me a fantastic Lorna Jane singlet saying "walk, run, move" and I'll let her tell you what I gave her. It was then home for lunch and these days a compulsory nanna nap. No celebratory drinks or eats tonight - I'm saving them for two weeks time when we have a planned birthday do for myself and two friends whose birthdays are all a couple of days apart.

Weekend Rollercoaster

This weekend has had me riding a rollercoaster of emotions again. Starting out with being extremely tired on Saturday morning when the alarm went off for my scheduled walk. I arose with serious quad soreness from Friday's leg training and felt really flat and not wanting to exercise. I could hear the wind and hoped in was rain so I could go back to bed but not to be. I thought of going back anyway but then reasoned that I'd only get another hour or so as I had to be up for my blood tests. So, 1 hour later I was home again after a nice walk and some thinking time and then showered and off for a needle in the arm.


This year my youngest two children - Sofie 8 and Jayden 4 have taken up tae kwon do. It was Sofie who wanted to do it initially and we thought it would be good for them both to do it for some exercise, self confidence and discipline but what I really didn't think about at this age was the self defence component. During their training we can only watch via a monitor in the reception area but I usually sit in the car and read or make phone calls to clients so being able to actually sit in on their grading was a real eye opener in terms of what they can do and I was so proud of them for their commitment to the sport and what they are achieving hoping that they'll never have to put into practice what they are learning in this regard.























Later that day an invite to dinner sent me into a complete downward spiral and had me uncontrollably crying and lying on the lounge. My mind was tossing to and fro - with regards to eating and drinking. I was angry, pissed off, feeling sorry for myself, why me, it's not fair, this is bullshit, hating myself, hating life and wondering why I even bother. Thank god for my darling husband who sat with me, comforted me and talked things through. After a couple of hours later and help from hubby I was able to see the light and pull myself together. It ended up being a really enjoyable night. Not what I would class as perfect eating wise but certainly not as bad as previous occasions. And if it takes me an extra week to get to where I want to be so be it, at least I've enjoyed it along the way.

Today we'd planned to take the kids to Alma Park Zoo when this morning Sofie asked "is Mummy coming?" and when I said yes of course she looked really surprised and said "that usually it's just Daddy that takes us out" which really hurt and hit home the fact that pre-comp they really did miss out. I was too tired all the time and didn't want to be tempted by food choices and had to fit training in so hubby used to pretty much look after them all weekend. I packed a picnic lunch for us all and we ended up having a lovely day.

Looking forward to this week and another week of less hustle and bustle.

I'm Thankful

This afternoon has had me thinking of how thankful I am for being a "Wagon Rider" (thanks Charlotte). I came home from Vegas way up on the scales, looking and feeling like a pufferfish, yet again. But, I managed to get straight back on the wagon the following day, Wednesday. Of course, the scales are coming down nicely and I'm beginning to feel and look better even though I've still a little way to go before reaching my maintenance level. I've been training at home this week as I couldn't bear for anyone to see me looking like this and have decided to take another week off work too just so I can concentrate on myself a bit more.

Training since boarding the wagon has been:

Wednesday - 5.30 am 1 hr run/walk then 9 am chest/triceps/shoulders + 20 mins steady state cycling
Thursday - 5.30 am 45 mins rpm + 15 mins steady state then 9 am back/biceps/abs + 20 mins steady state cycling
Today - 5.30 am 1 hr run/walk then 9 am legs + 15 mins steady state cycling

Needless to say DOMS have set in.

Nutrition wise I've been eating clean and healthy and yummy foods which always make me feel better to begin with. I've been detoxing from sugar but after reading the book "Potatoes not Prozac" and hearing Liz's voice in my ear I'm really trying to listen to my body and be intuitive to work out how I react to different foods and situations. This is the stuff I really want to work on next week.

I headed off to the doctors today and am booked for blood tests tomorrow to check out a few things that have been bothering me since before comp. Nothing serious, just digestive and blood sugar issues, but I might be able to get some answers rather than guessing about what's going on.

As for future plans? Still thinking but will be starting back training under Liz's instruction upon my return to the gym the week after next. She has big plans for my upper body and working on the abs so if I compete again I'll be bigger, better, leaner, harder, smoother. I'm also pretty sure that I'll be doing the "Bridge to Brisbane run" (http://www.bridgetobrisbane.com.au/) in September for my mother-in-law who has set this goal for me knowing how important fitness/health/my body is to me.

Shopping, Shopping and More Shopping

The highlight of my day - my luggage arrived!!

Just a few pairs of shoes:


















A bit of bling:


















My cycle jersey (it reads on front Jack and Jill went up the hill and):























Some new tee's and singlets plus blingy jeans (in hope):


















Now, a girl can't have too many handbags can she? Can you Guess which is my favourite?


















And this is only some of the stuff I bought for me. Don't get me started on the kids and hubby. Don't you just love plastic!

Sharnee Fenwick Rocks !!

When in Vegas we met up with my sister's friends and spent the week as 5 girls shopping, laughing, eating and generally having a lot of fun. In fact, we were a bit like The Sex in the City gals. One of the girls was Sharnee Fenwick, an up and coming star/singer/songwriter from Newcastle, NSW. One night was spent in their room before going out having some nibblies and drinks and listening to Sharnee sing and play her guitar. She really moved my sister and I with her talent so listen out for this name and face as she is going places. If you ever have a chance to get to one of her gigs do yourself a favour and don't miss it. For Brisbane girls, she's moving here in the future so I'll be getting a group together to go along sometime. I'll let you know. http://www.sharneefenwick.com/

I'm Back - From Vegas Anyhow !!

Hi y'all - how y'all all doin'?

My trip to Vegas was absolutely fantastic. Arrived home early this morning after a stressful evening with flights and cancellations and transfers not knowing if I was going to get home but I'm here. As for my bags they're not and lost, unable to be found as yet! Needless to say I'm a little tired tonight and bigger in size than when I left. On that front scheduled to hop back on the wagon tomorrow starting out with an early morning run or walk if I can't manage to get these fluid filled legs moving.

I've only a few photos to begin with as I left it up to my sister to take most of the pics since she has a better camera than me. Not now though since I bought a new one which is in my luggage!

So, starting out:

We stayed here:






















Our first night going out:






















Anyone hungry? Can you believe this? One of the few foods I did not try:

















Or maybe thirsty? Damn I wish tequilla was my drink of choice at that price:


















A helicopter flight took us into the Grand Canyon and landed for a champagne picnic lunch:

















We went on the bus (The Deuce) heading just a couple of kilometres to see the fabulous Freemont St which is the original "strip" but due to traffic we were on the bus for over an hour and didn't make it before midnight when they turned the lights off overhead (how pissed off were we!):


















So, instead we just bought a drink (no brown paper bag in Vegas, it's blue plastic bag). I couldn't believe you could drink in the streets (check out the sign above):






















More photos later, including me dancing on the bar at Coyote Ugly, the beautiful lights of Vegas from overhead, a new addition to my body - actually two, my fabulous shopping purchases; hangbags - yes there are a few, lots of bling, gym wear, shoes - again a few, cycle jersey plus lots more so stay tuned. This is, of course, assuming my bags turn up! Cross your fingers please.

The Last Supper

Seeing as though I'm leaving the country and my beautiful husband and children on Monday hubby wanted to cook a nice meal for us to share tonight. We're quite fond of green curries at the moment so he searched the internet this morning and found a great recipe and we shopped for ingredients today. What we found were absolutely fantastic versions of the full fat variety in terms of coconut milk and rice vermicelli. Here's what we ended up with:

Prawn Green Curry with Rice Vermicelli and Veges



Calories = 325

Fat = 11.18 g

Protein = 29.13 g

Carbs = 24.98 g







plus I added some stir-fried (in a smidge of olive oil) eggplant, red and green capsicum, onion, mushrooms and garlic chips.


I couldn't believe the stats when plugged into calorie king. Might just have to add as a standard.

Why Don't We Listen?

I struggled most of the day yesterday with my mind and being hungry finally reaching breaking point last night and let's just say it involved icecream, peanut butter, honey and maltesers.

Upon examination of my "episode" I realised I should have listened to my body more and what it was trying to tell me. I'm one to rarely suffer DOMS even though I work my very hardest at each and every weights training session however this week has had me in pain all over but especially in the quads and hamstrings after Wednesday's leg training to the point that I could hardly walk yesterday, moaned in pain upon rolling over in bed during the night, and winced with every stop/start movement. I was getting really tired too and had to have a nanna nap for an hour and a half yesterday afternoon. Was I carb depleted? Don't think so - veins still bulging. I was trying to stick with my 1850 cals which is way below what I maintain on. In hindsight what I should have done was increase my cals with clean food, especially protein, in order to help my muscles recover and repair which also would have deleted the hunger issue. Why didn't I think of this before? (kick)

Needless to say I got up this morning at 5.30 am in the drizzling rain and went for an absolutely awesome run for just over an hour. I really caned it. My legs were strong and powerful. I powered up hills and down the other side, using my arms, heel/toe, heel/toe, driving forward. Was I punishing myself? Perhaps! And I still have to go teach RPM at 8.30 am.

It's back to basics for me today!

Easy Does It

I've had a few conversations with the inner self again today over eating. I'm feeling really great and looking pretty good too I think so my focus has now shifted from the losing phase to one of maintaining. It's at this point that I start to think I can have this or that to eat and then have to go through the logic of it all - do I need it?, am I really hungry?, is it time to eat my clean scheduled meal?, is it thirst?, what am I feeling?, blah blah blah. So far I've managed to keep on track as I sit here with a cup of peppermint tea pushing out to lunchtime.

My day has progressed like this:

4.50 am alarm wakes me
5.15 am head to gym, green tea
5.30 am train a client
6.10 am 30 mins elliptical moderate intensity (too busy talking to put in high intensity)
6.45 am head home
7.00 am oats + protein powder, V8 vegetable juice, chai tea
8.00 am get kids off to school
8.10 am back at gym
8.15 am train back/biceps/abs + 30 mins rpm practice
9.20 am Surge post-workout recovery shake
9.30 am train a client
10.15 am shower
10.30 am apple, nestle diet fromage frais, cashews, mini protein bar
10.45 am eyebrow and lip wax
11.10 am banking and post office
11.30 am home, computer work, peppermint tea

Coming up:

1 pm mexican chicken mince, brown rice, steamed fresh veges, pepsi max
3.30 pm banana, slim secrets bar, green tea
6 pm soy & garlic turkey mince, brown rice, steamed fresh veges
8 pm cottage cheese, natural peanut butter, protein powder

I'll drink at least 4 litres of water
Scale weight = same as yesterday

Sex & The City

Last night seen me head off to the movies with a friend to see the fabulous new movie "Sex & The City". I remember when this show was on tele being the times when I used to kiss hubby good night but it was him going to bed not me!

Anyway, had a shower, did the hair, getting dressed - I'll just try my jeans on for good luck and what'd ya know - got them on AND done up - slightly firm but 1/2 an hour of wearing should loosen them up a bit. I'm excited and feelin' pretty good about myself at this point parading around the house, 'shaken that ass' and all! I decide I'm going to have a treat tonight - a choc top at the movies, afterall why not I'm not prepping any more.

Get to the movies buy the choc top AND a small bag of lollies. Sitting, eating, enjoying the company and the outing and the sugar! But then it strikes - "the voice inside my head". "Gotta get more, you're out of jail only for the night, locked back up tomorrow, eat as much as you can, etc, etc. I sit silently, tugging back and forth in my mind, and then I give her (my inner fat girl) a massive smackdown (thanks Kerryn for your words) and tell her "this is what normal people do". They go to the movies, have a little treat, not a binge. And continue on with life. I can do this. I don't need to eat everything in site. I am not a jailbird. I am maintaining. Everything in moderation. And with that I thoroughly enjoy the rest of the movie without consuming anything more.

Viva Las Vegas

Scale weight = still dropping and nearly where I want to maintain at
Nutrition = all good, just 20 or so over the scheduled 1850 (thought I am hungry today but now think I'm nervous over the trip)
Water = so far just over 2.5 litres (just realised I need to go have a big drink which is why I'm thinking of food also)

Training = 8.30 am Chest/biceps/abs followed by 25 minutes steady state elliptical

Feelings = great, strong, fit and healthy - looked at myself in the mirror today whilst training, gave myself a nod and thought you're lookin' good again girlfriend.

Only some of you would know that my background is in planning. As a Maintenance Engineer at a coal mine in the Hunter Valley, NSW (wine country) it was my job to schedule and plan all of the maintenance on the machinery and equipment, that is dragline, shovels, drills, trucks, etc. Perhaps this is where my anal retentive nature today comes from? There was a safety statement that was promoted throughout the mine being "a place for everything, everything in its place". I have used this statement and employed the theory for a long time now. I get really annoyed when things aren't put back where they came from or if they get left lying around. I'm really quite a neat and tidy person. My office and desk has everything sitting in it's place (right Liz).

It occurred to me last night when going to bed that I haven't done any planning for my upcoming trip to Las Vegas this Monday. My sister mentioned that she was going and I jokingly said "I should come with you" to which she replied "why don't you?" Hmm, I'll be finished comping by then, asked hubby what he thought, and before I knew it I'm going. As I was too focussed on competing my sister has done all of the organising and basically I've said I'm happy to do whatever and go whereever and just to make the bookings and tell me how much. So, other than having to get a new passport I've done nothing for this trip. She's organised flights, accomodation, car hire, etc. All I know is that I'm booked on a helicopter scenic flight over Hoover Dam, somewhere else and then landing in the Grand Canyon for a champagne lunch and also being picked up and dropped off from the hotel in a limo. We're also doing a night time flight down the strip of Vegas, some partying at Coyote Ugly bar, shopping at Walmart and no doubt a little gambling at the casinos. Needless to say I'm really looking forward to enjoying whatever comes my way whilst there.

Focused

Scale weight = still coming down by 1.6 kg from yesterday
Food today = 1865 out of 1850 scheduled (21% F, 34% P, 44% C)
Water = over 3 litres

Training = 6 am - teach RPM (543 Cals, Max HR 101%, Avg HR 81%)
8.30 am - Legs (264 Cals, Max HR 85%, Avg HR 66%)
followed by 20 min steady state run (Cals 265, Max HR 91%, Avg HR 81%)


Although still only part way through the day I'm still really focused and getting through each day unscaved. I am employing Liz' mantra of "one day at a time, one meal at a time, one workout at a time" and so far so good.

The 6 P's are also helping me through. "Prior Planning and Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance". Oops, that's 7 with the "piss".

As I sit here typing I look up at my calendar for June. It's titled "TEAMWORK" and quoting "Together, ordinary people can achieve extraordinary results" and I realise we are one team working together encouraging, supporting, comforting and leaning on each other to help us through on the other side. I feel blessed to be a part of this team.

All you girls go and look in the mirror and tell yourself "you're beautiful, you're strong, you're confident and you can do it".

Feeling FAB-U-LOUS!!

Scale weight = comp weight + 4.0 kg's
Food today = 1855 out of 1850 scheduled (21% F, 39% P, 39% C) Day's not over but I'm confident of sticking to my planned food for the rest of the day
Water = over 4 litres

Training = 6 am - 30 min elliptical intervals (Cals 377, Max HR 98%, Avg HR 87%)
8.30 am - Back/biceps/abs (Cals 233, Max HR 81%, Avg 58%)
9.30 am - participate in RPM (Cals 601, Max HR 103%, Avg HR 89%)

I'm feeling really really great again today. Of course, it started out fantastic at 4.45 am this morning with such a huge drop in scale weight from yesterday. Next best thing was participating in RPM. As I had no clients later in the morning thought I'd ride the latest release to refresh my memory ready to teach tomorrow morning and managed to absolutely thrash myself reaching over and above my max hr a number of times. I can't remember the last time I was able to really go nuts in rpm. Of course it would have been at one of Liz' Hi-Performance Saturday morning classes but seems such a distant memory.

But the best part of my day would be having the gorgeous Shannon over for a few hours. We talked non-stop about everything that's happened over the past months, competing and also about the future and where we we'd like it to take us. I was excited, she was excited and I can feel myself pumped up with adrenalin and bursting with energy right now.

I'm confident, I'm strong, I'm back!!

Love em or Hate em

The scales showed a drop this morning of 2.6 kg's from yesterday. I am now resembling less of a pufferfish. My legs are branches this morning rather than tree trunks. My ankles are returning. I swear yesterday it was like I was 8 months pregnant again my feet were that swollen from odema.

Got me thinking about the effect a piece of metal has on me. I love the thrill of seeing the number go down. The challenge before me. Is this why I continue to sabotage myself? So that I can set and reach goals? I remember pre-comp everytime a number goal was set for me upon coming close I would blow it. I know Liz tells me and everyone else that it's just a piece of metal and a number but I think as a figure competitor they become important to us. Somehow after comp we're supposed to just forget about them but anyone that says that's easy is full of shit. I'm not ready to live without them or food scales or cal king just yet!

THE RAILS HAVE BEEN REPAIRED

Scale weight = comp weight + 6.6 kg
Food today = 1854 out of 1850 scheduled (21% F, 40% P, 39% C)
Water = 4550 mls

I am ashamed, very upset and embarrassed by the number on the scales this morning. I cannot believe it takes so long to get it off and just 8 short days to put it back on. I knew better but ignored the facts. I f@#ked up big time. Perhaps I thought I was invincible now I had reached my goal and done so well? Thought I'd test the theory that it doesn't come back in the same spots? Wanted to have that goal of losing again? Whatever, doesn't really matter now, the damage is done. I will not wallow in self-pity. I've been here before. It's time to take control again and step into action and that I did:

Training = 6 am - 30 mins elliptical intervals (Cals 395, Max HR 98%, Avg HR 85%)
10.30 am - weight training (Cals 222, Max HR 80%, Avg HR 57%)
followed by 30 min steady state run (Cals 399, Max HR 92%, Avg HR 84%)

This early morning's cardio session was hard. I am holding so much fluid and am puffy all over. I felt so unfit and found myself hiding on the elliptical in the corner. I did not want others to see me and closed my eyes during each working phase and willed myself to push faster.

I've written my own weight training program for this week and today trained chest, triceps and shoulders and followed with a steady state run which felt really nice and comfortable.

I've followed my eating plan today with no sign of derailment. Monday down, rest of week to follow.

Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement. I'm a firm believer in things happen for a reason. I'm meant to make all these wonderful friends.

Others Don't See Us As We See Ourselves

I was overwhelmed a short time ago whilst finishing up with my training when a lady came over to me and said something to the effect of she thought I looked amazing and had a fantastic body and that she aspired to look just like me. And, the best part, she didn't even know I had just competed and how I looked a week ago.

I was really shocked by this and found myself crying again! I couldn't believe that someone else thought I looked good when I feel so bad. I was amazed and confused.

Today's report to follow tonight.

Finally !!

Finally, after thinking about it for so long I've set up my own blog. Why? I don't know. Perhaps, now feeling my most fragile I need this as another tool to get me back on track.

I never once thought the other side was going to be like this! I'm strong, I'm confident (most of the time) and competing in figure was one of the most amazing experiences I have felt. I never intentionally set out to place but rather began my figure competition journey to have a goal as a means to lose the weight I had gained since moving to Brisbane last May. I'm not going to write about my contest preparation. That was then, this is now. I should have started this blog a long time ago but never seemed to have the time. After placing 3rd in Novice class in INBA a decision was made to compete again the following weekend at the WNBF Championships and again I placed, this time 2nd in both Novice and Open classes. I cannot describe how I felt other than amazing! Being on stage and doing so well was unbelievable. That feeling has subsided quite quickly and this week has been quite a struggle emotionally. I know I'm not alone. We're all going through it, most others on the way back up again. I had heard about it but somehow thought it wouldn't happen to me. I trained (hard) riding rpm 3 times on Monday trying to learn the new choreo in order to teach the new release on Wednesday morning - eats perfect, Tuesday rode rpm again twice with some weight training in the middle, nutrition - what nutrition, Wednesday taught rpm and weight training, food a blur, Thursday no training food a blur, Friday 30 min cardio intervals - food good, Saturday no training food not good, and today, Sunday no training food - let's just say this is the last day of eating crap!

My scales are way up, the fat's come back, I look like I'm pregnant, and basically I feel like shit. I've cried so much this week. I just want to curl up in a ball and stay in hiding until the fat disappears again. I've spent the morning logging the whole of next weeks food and training, creating spreadsheets and generally thinking of my comeback. It's consuming my every thought.

I'm heading to Las Vegas Monday week so I have next week to drop a couple of kilos then upon my return I'll be strict for a few weeks to get back to where I need to be. I want to be lean enough to be happy with how I look but not so lean that muscle gain will be impossible. At the moment I really want to compete again but know that I'm only wanting to do this to have a goal and get back to a comfortable weight. If I do ever compete again it will be next year though. I have a social calendar full for July and we have a family holiday booked in October so not enough commitment there to prepare for competition at the end of this year.

Will write each day this week before heading to Vegas. Please, I'm asking myself, stick with it this week and don't lose control any more.