THEN AND NOW!!

That was then:

I'm angry that I've wasted so much of my life consumed by this shit. I'm angry that everytime I lost fat, I found it again. I'm angry by all the lies I believed over the years. I'm angry that I didn't know better. I'm angry that my life hasn't been easy. I'm angry that I am not perfect. I'm angry that this is fucking hard. I'm angry that I became addicted to smoking at 12 years old. I'm angry that smoking is deemed "bad" for you. I'm angry that I no longer smoke to calm me. I'm angry that I don't want to smoke again. I'm angry that my husband absolutely despises smoking. I'm angry that I have to work fucking hard at everything I do in life. I'm angry that I feel sorry for myself. I'm angry that it seems so much easier for others. I'm angry that I don't just eat what I feel like and then forget about it. I'm angry that I have some dumb c*nt living inside my head. I'm angry that I use that word when I'm angry. I'm angry that my guts gurgles and I don't know the fuck why. I'm angry that I get fucking angry. I'm angry that I care so much. I'm angry that "fuck it" is not an option for me. I'm angry that this is fucking scary. I'm angry that my body doesn't speak english so I can understand it. I'm angry that I'm impatient. I'm angry that I'm not living in the moment right now.

This is now:

Woo hoo!! Yeah!! Alright!! Now you're talkin'!! As you can see I needed to let off some steam this morning. Today was training with Liz. I was running early and in the car on the drive over decided deadlifting would help me do just that. No set reps, just wanted to see what I could lift.

60 kgs, 80 kgs, 90 kgs, 100 kgs, 110 kgs, 115 kgs, 120 kgs, 125 kgs

Can't even remember what I did. Was just happy that I got 125 kgs off the ground. Liz turned up ready to train then so stopped there. We had another smasher session together.

I wonder why the fuck I worry so much sometimes. My life is fucking fabulous and I am having some very very happy times. There have been so many positives coming my way. I'm trying so hard which is why it is so painful sometimes. Maybe I'll stop trying and just go with the flow and let everything take care of itself. On that note I'm off to the library to chill and read for the arvo.

HOW DO I KNOW WHEN I'M SATISFIED?

Intuitive Eating is like learning a new language, frustrating and challenging at times and deeply rewarding and exciting when you learn a new phrase.

Determining my satisfaction level has proven difficult. Whilst "dieting" everything got logged, weighed or measured and I didn't have to think about my satiety. I simply ate (never enough) and then waited for the next "feeding".

I've been using different methods in order to achieve the signal that I've had enough. I think I may have worked it out. The penny dropped two days ago when I realised four magic words - "Fuck, that was good!" I checked in with belly and sure enough it told me no more food was required. I won't always get it but as long as I persist it will get easier.

I'M GONNA BOUNCE!!

Bouncing's what Tigger's do best!

I love Matt. I love the relationship I have with him. Our training sessions involve discussions and differences of opinions. I am interested in his thoughts and views on matters. And he listens to what I have to say. He is honest, caring and sharing and this is what makes him an all round great guy. I respect his beliefs and he encourages me on my growth, in both mind and body. Thank you for sending him into my life.

Monday's Lift Heavy Shit Session

Incline Barbell Press

- 35 kgs x 22 reps

- 38 kgs x 17 reps

Barbell Bent Over Row

- 55 kgs x 20 reps

- 60 kgs x 15 reps + 5 getting upright

Tricep Overhead Extensions

- 30 pds x 18 reps + 2 throws

- 30 pds x 17 reps

- 30 pds x 15 reps

Lying Bicep Cable Curls

- 15 kgs x 20 reps

- 15 kgs x 17 reps

- 15 kgs x 15 reps

THE IMPACT IS FAR GREATER!!

During a relaxing afternoon reading on the lounge yesterday, Sofie (9) said "Mummy, I'm hungry". I told her to place her hands on her tummy, close her eyes, and feel what she really wanted to eat. Anything at all we had in the house. What would satisfy her the most? "Rice" was her answer. I then proceeded to maturely tell her that this is what mummy does now. I explained that I was no longer following a silly diet*, weighing my food, and doing anything that didn't allow me to eat what the rest of the family was eating or have some lollies when going to the movies. I explained that eating for reasons other than hunger eg boredom, loneliness, happiness, sadness, anger was called emotional eating. I felt it was time to set the scene for her. She's been no doubt watching and listening to me in the past. The discussion ended with her showing me she has a freckle between her fingers. I told her she was unique and it was there because she is beautiful. You should have seen the smile on her face.

I'm careful with my choice of words these days. In the "olden days" I would have joked "you're a freak" but I know first hand how jokes can grow up with you, always and still to this day being called "Shelley with the big fat belly" by a well-meaning friend of the family.

The moral of the story is that "children hear/see/feel far more than we give them credit for. They are never too young to learn nurturing or destructive behaviour".

*Diet - "No matter how it is justified, a diet is ... any dietary restriction with the intention of manipulating body weight or shape". Quote by Dr Christopher Fairburn. UK, world recognised authority on overeating and obesity.

BLOODY BEAUTIFUL!!

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/entertainment/871326/nothing-wrong-with-curves-glamour-magazine

I COULDN'T HAVE PUT IT BETTER MYSELF!!

Online communication can be a difficult format for realness to surface. So much can be misconstrued in the cyber realm. People can grab hold of a word or turn of phrase you use and run it through the filter of their own assumptions and insecurities; taking its meaning in the opposite way it was intended. I have directly experienced the chopping and dicing of something I have shared only to have it used as ammunition against me for the benefit of someone proving they are 'right'. It's a shame when this happens because all opportunity for growth within the context of relationship is cut off. Life is all about relationship and it is vital we learn to interact with others in healthy ways that support further growth and freedom of sharing. Otherwise, we sever ourselves from receiving the gift of relating and the lessons it has to teach. It amazes me how often people choose to go on the defensive rather than simply ask, "Could you clarify what you meant by that comment so I can better understand?" I think it can be hard for us to enter this space of receptivity because we can be so intensively egocentric. We all have a need to establish our autonomy. How many of us have that need to know, or desire to be right? I have my hand raised. It is an issue I struggle with. What about you? No really... look at it deeply.

When we approach another in this space of receptivity we open ourselves to truthful connection and communication. It is a surrender that implies the willingness to accept that our assumptions, judgments, and knee-jerk responsiveness stem from reactiveness and may lack a basis in truth. What does this say about us? That we are wrong or somehow bad or less than? No... it shows that we are human... flawed and imperfect, yet beautiful and complete in our design. Why not open ourselves to really connecting with each other on a real level? What is the worst that could happen? That we stretch and grow... becoming more of who we truly are?

You can read the full post here.

GIMME HEAD!!

http://video.google.com.au/videosearch?q=gimme+head&hl=en&emb=0&aq=f#