BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR I CAN

Scale weight = down 1.3 to 63.2 kg (thank fuck for that)

Training = 4.30 am Workout D

Feeling = Sick as a dog! Got all nauseous, hot and sweaty last night and had to go to bed at 8 pm. Got up this morning, thinking I felt ok, so trotted off and did my training but then 1/2 way through training my first client started to feel really sick again and had to sit down and have a drink of water. Finished off morning clients and now home and about to reschedule the rest of today's clients so I can go to bed and hopefully sleep it off. Hoping antiobotics should kick in and start working soon.

DICKHEAD DOCTORS

Diagnosis = pussy tonsils.

Also spoke to her about the guts gurggling to which she NFI. I swear I know more about nutrition and losing body fat than most doctors. I'll just continue to nut it out all by myself.

Anyway, got the drugs I need so hopefully will start to feel better by tomorrow. I had a sleep after lunch today before school pickup and when I woke (from my bladder) I felt I could have just kept sleeping for the rest of the day. I feel so run down and tired.

DON'T WANNA BE A DRAMA QUEEN!

Messages flooding in from fellow bloggers worried about me and wondering where I am. I'm not usually a private person. In fact, quite the opposite. Open, outgoing and out there but suddenly something inside me wants to work this out on my own. I want to grow stronger again from a personal perspective. I want to show that pea brain of mine that I am strong, that I can do it, that I am confident, that I possess the necessary skills and talent to get to where I want to go. I want to take good care of myself, just as I have taken such good care of others. I'm not hiding, just working on some really powerful internal feelings and for some reason want to do it quietly. I do, however, feel really privileged that I have so many caring friends.

RECOGNISING WHAT NEEDS WORK

Scale weight = up 0.4 to 64.5 kg (__unt)

Training = 3.50 am 30 mins hard intervals (tready run 30 secs at 16 km/hr, 30 secs off x 9, 10kg DB swings 20 swings, 45 secs rest x 6, single leg hip bridge 3 x 10 each leg). Feel completely wrecked now.

Feeling = My body is a continual work in progress. It follows second but what comes first is how my mind thinks. I've recognised that I need to again practice some positive self talk, read through my mantra's on a daily basis, and believe in myself. Determination is whatever the mind can conceive and believe it can achieve. I am turning this around. I will not dwell on negative thoughts or images but change my perspective to positive outcomes where I will be the winner. I can do this! I will do this! Just watch me. Jeanelle would be proud of me. I miss her.

I've had the worst nights sleep being awake since around 2.30 am. Back DOMS were so uncomfortable (from lat pulldowns and DB shadowboxing on Saturday). The glands in my neck are like big marbles, sore throat and I'm still blowing heaps of snot and coughing up phlegm and feeling hot and sweaty and generally not 100%. It's been a week of battling by myself so I think I best head to the doctors today for antibiotics. I've got soooo much gas again which is taking the pleasure away a little bit from eating and drinking as I hate the gurgling that follows. I'm sick of trying to work out what's causing it. I'll mention to the doctor today but I doubt he'll have any idea. Hubby has headed away early this morning for another week so I'm all by myself again.

WHAT THE MIND FUCK?

Feeling really really emotional this morning. Just went and had the biggest bawl in the toilet. Haven't had one of those for ages. So now my eyes are all red and swollen. Don't know why? Scared maybe. What of? Doing it alone this time, no safety net as in Coach. Am I a good enough judge to get me the look I want this time? Don't want to arrive too early, but don't want to leave it too late. Want to be just right! Self doubt is upon me. Think I need to go hit the gym which will make me feel better. I will not wallow any longer. I'm building a bridge and getting over it!

GOING PRIVATE FOR A WEEK

Scale weight = up 0.1 from yesterday and same as Friday at 64.1 kg

Training = 6 am 60 min walk/run, 8.30 am Workout C

Feeling = I've been sitting pretty comfortably over the past couple of weeks eating between 1750 and 3500 calories, overindulging a couple of times, but still maintaining quite nicely. My next goal listed on my spreadsheet is to hit 63 kg's by 9 weeks out (next Sunday). Now that's 63 kg full of shit or 62 kg or under de-pooped. So, I need to put my foot down again and go for it this week. I don't want any outside influence to take my focus away so I've decided to go private for a week but continue to keep a record for myself. Nothing drastic, just maintaining my current training and sticking to the lower end of my cal range until I see how things pan out. Dave took some progress pics last night. There's nothing like photos to put things into perspective as to how lean you actually are or aren't. There's still a lot of fat on my legs and arse. I want to make sure I get there in time. They need to be leaner and tighter this time round. I'm actually quite excited to have something to work towards again.

EXCUSE ME!!

Everyone keeps telling me how lean I am. It's freaking me the fuck out! I'm a good weight. I'm happy. I'm confident. I think I look good. I think this is a good weight to maintain. I'd rather be lean than fat. Awesome night at boxing and hubby and I headed to the Normanby pub afterwards for a couple more brews and a chat and listen to some live music. I'm a people watcher. I glanced around the pub and didn't see one person as muscular or lean as I was. Am I abnormal? I don't want to be ordinary. I want to be extraordinary. These people were drinking, dancing and seemed to be enjoying their world just as I enjoy mine but are they truly happy as I am? Yep, I drank alcohol, had a couple of slices of pizza tonight, and now enjoying some oats, powder and peanut butter before bed. Will I worry about the scales tomorrow? Maybe, maybe not. I'm 10 weeks out and I estimate I've got around 4 kilos of fat to shed, maybe more, maybe less - who knows till I get closer. All I know right now is if a man should conquer in battle a thousand and a thousand more, and another man should conquer himself, his would be the greater victory, because the greatest of victories is the victory over oneself. Excuse me, I'm pissed! Best go to bed now.