CONTEMPLATING

I'm up, it's dark, it's cold, it's quiet. For some reason today I don't feel like/want to train. It's a "cardio only" day and that doesn't particularly excite me today. The voice in my head tells me I "should" but that word is not welcome in my vocabulary because I don't do anything that I should. I do it because I want to. That's the rebellious side of me. Not always but today that's the way it's going to be.

My feathers are ruffled. My eldest son and mum arrived on Saturday. Although it's nice to have them here they're disrupting my routine, my comfort zone, my space. My son has grown into a beautiful young man and I'm relieved that he's turned out "OK". It's not easy growing up when your mum & dad aren't together. I experienced this first hand through my teens also. At least he's a computer nerd and spends most of his time in front of a computer unlike me who was out drinking, smoking and doing other stuff I was doing at his age (LOL). So, whilst he's here he's hogging my computer - arrggghhh! My mum - a gentle lady who's harmless but for some reason she sends me "OFF". I've been digging through my past trying to find the 'why?' but it's not coming to me.

I've just emailed for feedback from last comp. Why? Do I think I'll compete again? Doubt it. Am I trying to find something wrong with me? No, I am fine, good, great just the way I am. Then what is it? The mystery alludes me.

I will not dwell on these thoughts. I've acknowledged them and accepted them. I'm watching them float in the river like leaves but that is where they will stay - in the river. I refuse to pick them up. Moving on..................